The Quality of a Soul, As Told By: The Devil (V.1)

Mortals may understand me to be Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, El Diablo, or one of the other innumerous titles humans have appointed me over the millennia; but from now on you, puny morsel, may know me as Enma. Cute isn’t it? It’s the Japanese name for ‘The Ruler of Hell’. I change which alias I use every few decades or so. Now, I know what you must be thinking, you are probably under the assumption that I am male. Well, you are not completely mistaken. I can be either gender depending on my general mood; and for the last two hundred years or so, I’ve felt like being female. That, however, is of little importance. The real question is: Why am I, the eminent and ever busy overlord of Hell itself, taking valuable time out of my evernight to write an informational document about souls? The answer is quite simple really. I am bored. I’m bored, and absolutely irate about the recent decline in the quality of souls that I’ve been receiving. Now, how will this simple bit of writing help? Who knows…it might not help in the slightest, but it will at least relieve some of my boredom. Now then, shall we begin?

First of all, the texture of a Soul has almost nothing to do with one’s actions. Texture itself mostly comes from age. The younger one is at the time of death, the more chewy and sweet the Soul. Stillborns and fetuses are the exception. They are not yet fully developed, so their texture is akin to biting into a moist, tender slab of meat that falls right off the bone. Souls do not have bones, however, as they are usually in the form of glowing orbs; whose color and brightness vary from the individual. Now, the flavors that stillborns and fetuses impart to the tongue are rather sweet with slight remnant flavors from their parents. The older a person is at the time of death, the crunchier the outside and the creamier the inside becomes. Being elderly leaves one with an almost savory taste in the outer crust, with a rich, sweetness in the creamy center. The Souls of stillborns and the elderly are my absolute favorites to devour! I love the taste of a child’s innocence slipping down my throat, and the full feeling imparted from the long life of the elderly.
Now then, no two Souls have the same flavors. Each and every Soul has their own individual taste. The flavor of one’s Soul is akin to tasting everything that one has done in their life. Every act has its own distinct essence that either takes away from or adds to the tastiness of the morsel. The flavors that are imparted by one’s actions generally fall into these categories: Sweet, Salty, Spicy, Sour, Bitter, Savory, Bright, Heavy, Earthy, Fragrant, Watery, and Nothing. Human taste buds are not even capable of identifying some of these, so I shall explain the more obscure ones.

Nothingness is a difficult flavor to explain to mortals, but it adds a slightly bubbly texture with no distinguishable temperature, or taste. It merely absorbs and deadens the other flavoring surrounding it. A little Nothingness is absolutely delicious to have in one’s life, but too much makes the Soul unpalatable and frothy. Bright and Heavy are direct opposites; Bright imparting a joyful, melodious feeling onto the senses, while Heavy leaves behind a dark, and foreboding presence. Bright is warm and sweet, like swallowing bedtime stories, and reminiscing on old memories. Heavy is cold, minty, and bitter, like freezing to death in the snow, and seeing old wounds of war. Earthy is a bit of an easier flavor for mortals to comprehend. Wild and delicate, it tastes of cut grass, pollen on the wind, and what is akin to human tongues as salty-sweet jell-o. Fragrant is a subtle, yet distinct essence that is both soft and silky whilst going down the throat, and with a smoky aftertaste. The right mix of flavors is essential. Too much of any one action will completely ruin an otherwise delicious Soul.

Now that I have given at least a feeble grasp of some of my unique taste profiles, I will begin to explain what actions cause which tastes. Let us start with some basic human morals. First, I shall tackle the biggest topic, religion. I am neither going to confirm nor deny any religion’s “god” as being true or false. I am merely going to explain the general tastes between the Souls of those whom are religious, and those who are not. Religion can imprint the flavors of Salty, Bitter, Bright, Watery, Earthy and Nothing, depending on how religious a human is and what sort of religion they follow. Religions that focus on the Earth, and the spirits that dwell within it, have a more Earthy taste with a bit of Saltiness and Brightness. Other religions that focus on deities that oversee humans from the heavens, tend to be mainly of a Salty flavor, with a bit of Brightness and Wateriness. Religion does not decide the taste of the whole soul mind you; it is merely what flavors the religion imparts to the overall taste of the Soul. The level of flavor imprinted on the Soul depends on how religious the mortal is. The less religious, the weaker the flavor imparted. However, for those delusional, religious-fanatic types (no matter what the religion is) they taste of Salty, Watery, Bitterness, and a whole lot of Nothing, which causes the soul to become bland tasting. At that point, the consistency and smell of the soul suffers for it. It becomes a deathly white, with a sticky, pasty texture, and accompanied by the sickeningly sweet stench of decaying milk. Atheists on the other hand, have a surprisingly Bright and Fragrant flavor most of the time, with Agnostics having a more subtle taste of Bright, Fragrant, and Bitter. However, as with religion, being completely intolerant of others opinions as an atheist will also lead to stagnation and putrefaction of the Soul.

Since religion is now out of the way, let us move on to the mortal “evils”. Starting with the most frowned upon human activity…murder. Murder is actually quite the delicious act! Depending on one’s reasoning for it of course. Though abominable by human standards, it leaves behind some very strong and powerful flavors. If the kill is accidental, then it adds Heavy, Nothing, and Bitter aspects to the Soul. If one kills because they enjoy doing so, then it imparts Savory, Bright, and Fragrant flavors to the Soul with a little bit of Nothingness. Those who kill as revenge or some other form of premeditation without the main purpose being for pleasure, attain the same aspects as an accidental killing, but with a bit of Sourness added as well; revenge in general imparting a slight Salty, and Sour taste. Attaining revenge with mental trickery adds Wateriness, while physical revenge (short of killing the target) leaves behind a spicy aftertaste. Revenge changes mostly the consistency of the Soul, making it a bit more liquid and spicy, and it is nearly impossible to cause one form of revenge without also being the cause of the other.

Sloth/Laziness has become quite a bit more frequent in the past hundred years or so, as most humans now have the luxury of not starving to death on any given day. In actuality, this is not on my personal list of tasty mortal “evils”, because it takes away flavor from the Soul, rather than adding to it. Sloth adds a bit of Brightness, and a lot of Nothingness to a Soul. The Nothingness level increases the more often a person gives into their laziness. Being extremely lazy tends to make one’s Soul become generally blander. Meanwhile, I categorize jealousy, envy, and greed as one, because they all consist of Sour, Watery, and Earthy tastes. Earthy is one of the flavors, because jealousy, greed, and envy all stem from the more primal feeling of territoriality; which, in itself, is purely a basal animalistic desire.

Lust is akin to a Soul allspice that has just a little bit of everything in it. This is because lust comes from the natural desire to reproduce and spread genes from one generation to the next. Everyone has lust in their Souls, no matter how minute. The most prevalent flavors that lust imparts are Sweet, Spicy, Savory, Bright, Heavy, Earthy, and Fragrant. Lust helps to even out flavor profiles, and brings a healthy balance to one’s soul. The more sex one has, the more heady and Fragrant the Soul becomes. I do suppose the question of sexuality would reside under this category of lust, as it deals with who or what humans become sexually attracted to. Humans, who view other species as attractive, stain their Souls with dense notes of Sour, Heavy, Nothing, and Earthiness. There is actually not much difference between the tastes of homosexuality and heterosexuality, but females who are attracted to other females have a bit more Sweetness in their Souls; males who are attracted to other males have a bit more Spiciness; bisexuals have a bit more Fragrance; and heterosexuals have a bit more Earthiness to them. These differences are minute, however, and make almost no actual difference to the overall Soul scrumptiousness. Although, demons do have a slight preference towards bisexual Souls, as in Hell they are considered a rare delicacy. However, as with all good things, there is such a thing as too much flavoring. After a certain point of too much of any one flavor or activity, the Soul will start to putrefy and rot. A mortal will reach this point when lust takes over one’s mind and life. This rotting effect occurs not just from too much sex, but from too much of any one thing; whether that is the extraordinary lust for god, wealth, knowledge, power, and anything or anyone else.

Overall, it’s quite simple really. Living a long, happy life filled with activities one enjoys, not becoming obsessed with any one particular thing, and living healthily both mentally and physically leads to a tastier Soul. Becoming anything opposite then that leaves the Soul rotten and unpalatable. All Souls pass through my domain. Some stay to be reprimanded and reformed, others simply pass through after inspection and head to their next stop. Souls that cannot be reformed or pass onto the next step, are devoured by my demons in Hell. At least, the less appetizing ones are. I make sure to keep all the delicious ones for myself. This is, in part, why lesser demons are constantly trying to prey upon the living. Not quite enough tasty Souls to go around to everyone. Remember, moderation in all things will not only lead to a longer happier life, but to a more appetizing Soul. So please, let yourself become happy. Lead a long, fulfilling life, so that I may in turn feed Hell some more exquisite Souls.